


Identity

by natalianovna



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Black Widow - Freeform, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Identity, Identity Issues, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, POV Natasha Romanov, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-23 19:48:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20345716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natalianovna/pseuds/natalianovna
Summary: Look close enough and it's there, the cold, hard truth: Natasha Romanoff has no clue who she is. Bit of a character study on this topic.





	Identity

**Author's Note:**

> its 1am and my brain wont shut up so im writing this lmao help  
typing this on my phone whoops  
doesnt rly need a timeframe but like aou - cacw ?

Always changing. Always moving. That's how Natasha lived; in a state of fluidity, changing aspects of herself quite often. 

It became a sort of running joke among the Avengers, how her personality could change in a heartbeat, her inability to stick with a hairstyle. 

She ran with the jokes because the truth wasn't something she was ready to discuss. The truth lay in the pit of her stomach like a weight, heavy and burdening. Look closely (or not even that close, honestly) and it's there. Natasha Romanoff has no clue who Natasha Romanoff is. 

How does she like her hair? Does her style express her as a person? What are her defining characteristics? Is she witty and sarcastic, or sweet and soft spoken? Flirty and sexy or withdrawn and reserved? She has no idea how to describe herself.

Her entire life has been about lying, about playing the part she must play in order to get what she (or her handlers) want. Never sticking with a certain look or personality. No little mannerisms or habits developed over the years.

She had no time to develop herself, to come into herself, in those fleeting years before her life fell apart. All she knew of her own identity was that she was never truly her own person, but a person who existed for the sole purpose of becoming another. 

As the years passed, she began to have some idea of her sense of self. Who she was. Yet even after all that time, she still wasn't really sure who Natasha Romanoff was. Who she was. She saw her true self in fleeting moments, when she let herself relax and make some witty comment, let herself genuinely smile at Clint or Tony's antics. 

But most of the time, she was so guarded. So closed off. Any expression was carefully planned, every word vetted. Natasha trying to be herself just ended up as her stepping into yet another character, another lie.

The Avengers just felt like another character to play, another lie to convince everyone of. She went back to that look twice because "Natasha Romanoff, Avenger" was someone she could play with ease. Mix together bits of truth and some half lies to create a "hero." A bit mysterious, one of the ordinary people in the presence of gods (literally). A badass who could handle herself and save the lives of those who needed saving. "Natasha Romanoff, Avenger" was the lie she wanted desperately to be true. Maybe one day, she can come within a hundred miles of being that good. But for know, she knows it's just another lie. She can't be that good when her arms are dripping in the blood of all she's caused.

In a way, she felt awful about it, not being able to know herself, let alone others not being able to truly know her. On another hand, maybe Natasha Romanoff was a shitty person that was best kept tucked away, unknown and unseen. Those thoughts plagued her into the dead of night, left her feeling alone and confused and so very frustrated with herself and those that had left her this way. 

She just wanted to be a fully realised woman. But in her heart of hearts, she knew it was too much to ask for in a universe she had long ago learned had a vendetta against Natalia Romanova.

**Author's Note:**

> heh look its another episode of me projecting onto a character + tired brain thoughts  
leave feedback ? :/


End file.
